he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
