I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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