Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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