I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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