he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
