Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
