At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
