if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
