no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
