I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
