if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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