I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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