I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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