i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
