sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
i drank out of a bidet.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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