Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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