Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
