Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
