If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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