I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
