i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
