i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
