there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
