Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
