i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
