how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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