I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
