Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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