I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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