that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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