Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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