there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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