Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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