After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
