Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
