my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
we're making bets on your personal life
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
you never un-have a 4some
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
