There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
