i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
