Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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