i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
