I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
