I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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