He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
