I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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