I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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