There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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