Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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