Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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