last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
