That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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